How is it August?

Wow, how did August arrive so quickly? I vividly remember back to the day in December 2012 when I realized that we would need to wait until the Fall of 2013 to start trying again to get pregnant. It felt like an eternity. And here we are today, in August, just days away from the official "Fall of 2013" starting.

I've had enough blood draws, ultrasounds, medications, in office procedures, surgeries, and doctors appointments to really help me pass that time. All of that has been coupled with finishing up my final didactic semester of graduate school, handfuls of weddings, bachelorette parties, bridal showers, birth announcements, and pregnancy announcements. I can't say that all of this has passed without the shedding of a few (or many) tears, but I really must give myself a little pat on the back for making it through without any major breakdown.

So you'd think that now that Fall is just around the corner I'd be super excited to start trying again. Truth is, along with that excitement comes a feeling of being anxious and scared. I chart, and temp, and use OPKs, and look at the due date prediction calculator; all to try to grasp some sense of control over the situation. As I learned back on November 28th, 2012, much of this is out of my control. My body has been through a lot in the past year and I can't expect it to just cooperate on command. In the end, if a little medical intervention is needed, there is no shame in that.

I guess there is no real point to this post other than to give a quick update on where things stand today. I'm eager and anxious to have exciting news to reveal, G-d willing, in a few short months!

A bag of mixed emotions

July 3rd is just around the corner and instead of packing a bag for the hospital, I'll be packing a bag to head down to the shore. This isn't how things were supposed to be, but it is just the way things ARE.

I have mixed emotions about next week and what to expect. Will I be sad on Wednesday because I should have been delivering my 1st child? Will I wake up as if it just any normal day? Will Eric feel a sense of loss that day? I really do not know what to expect about how I will feel and I am trying hard to not put any expectations on that day.

Milestones dates, I have realized, can be tough. Just last week, on June 23rd, I was saddened by the thought that I should have been celebrating my best friend's 30th birthday that day. Her life was tragically cut short at the age of 27 and since then there have been many milestones during which I have shed some tears. The tears come from a place of missing her, but also from the "should haves" and would haves."

I don't know what next week will bring, but I am going into it with no expectations and no pressures.

Struggles

I need to preface this post by saying that I know I am not facing infertility, nor do I know the agony of what it is like to struggle for years and years to have a baby, looking month after month at negative pregnancy tests. What I do know, though, is what it is like to struggle with the aftermath of a miscarriage, going through a D&C, having in office procedures, outpatient surgery, and also being "benched" for a few extra months due time timing conflicts, all while getting news on what feels like a daily basis about yet another friend being pregnant. No matter what the struggle is to get pregnant or stay pregnant, it is still a struggle to the person or couple going through it.

I came across this article today on a forum I am a part of and felt compelled to share it. I think it takes a very honest look at the emotions that are coupled with the struggles to become pregnant.

ten words that describe infertility

Hold your thoughts, prayers, and good vibes

Thank you all for your positive thoughts, good vibes, juju, prayers, and well wishes for what should have been my surgery on May 14th, but unfortunately you'll have to save it all for June 4th.

Last Monday I started to feel run down, had the chills, scratchy throat, basically the normal routine for when I come down with a cold or strep throat. I made it to the hospital for my surgery Tuesday morning, still not feeling great. By the time I made it to pre-op and spoke with the Anesthesiologist, my throat was pretty swollen and my fever had gone up. The Anesthesiologist didn't feel comfortable putting me under since this was considered an "elective" surgery and really could be done at a later date. She felt that my airway was already compromised with a swollen throat and if she had to intubate me it would only make matters worse. Needless to say, I wasn't willing to risk my ability to breath!

I'm a little bummed that I couldn't just put the surgery in my past and start moving forward, but by no means would I ever want to compromise my health and safety. So tune in June 4th for attempt #2 at surgery.

Start of a new chapter

Tomorrow starts a new chapter in this process and one step closer to being able to have a baby.

I can't believe that 5 months ago I sat thinking and feeling like my surgery day was so far away and now that day is tomorrow. The surgery marks the beginning of the process of being able to TTC (trying to conceive) again since my uterine septum should will be removed. G-d willing, Dr. E (my new RE- long story!), will be able to remove all of the septum tomorrow and I should not need any further surgery.

The procedure is scheduled for 10am, so I will be arriving by 8:30. If all goes as planned, I should be out of surgery by 11, in recovery until noon or 1 and on my way home by 2pm! Considering I am supposed to finish my dinner tonight by 8pm and not eat or drink after midnight, I'm thinking I'll be one  hungry girl by the time I get home tomorrow. Possibly pizza and french fries will be my treat?

So when can we start trying again you ask? Dr. E prefers couples to wait 2-3 cycles after surgery before trying again so that the line of the uterus can grow back nice and strong and heal properly. We will take his advice for sure- I mean, he did go to school for a million years to learn all that he knows right? So for once, I will stop advising with Dr. Google and will just listen to my own doctor on what to do.

For all those who are reading this, I'd appreciate any good vibes you can send my way (and to my surgeon too!) tomorrow!

Decisions, Decisions

Frustration.

Frustration sums up where I feel I am at right now. If you asked me 2 years ago when we thought we would start a family, I would have said that we would start trying in the Spring of 2013. Fast forward to the 1st day of graduate school in 2011 and suddenly we are told that our program no longer will be over in December 2013, but instead it will go until May 2014. Ok, deep breath, not the biggest deal in the world. Baby plans could get pushed back a few months if necessary.....or maybe moved up a few months. 

Fast forward to summer of 2012, baby plans are back in conversation. I come off the pill in August, we start trying in October, and October 25th we find our we are pregnant! WE ARE EXCITED!!! November 26th rolls around and the excitement plunges as we learn there is no heartbeat. D&C is completed on November 28th. Now where do we go?

A conversation with my Grad School Program Director reveals the frustrating reality that baby plans (post miscarriage) will have to be put on hold again until August 2013 if I plan on graduating with the rest of my class. Ok, I can handle this, just a short 9 month set back (filled with dozens of births and pregnancy announcements of friends). 

So that leads me to where I am today. I've been approached by my Grad School Fieldwork Coordinator to ask about my "baby plans." To sum it up, if we plan on TTC again this fall, I will have to reconsider my fieldwork placement. I was fortunate to be placed at a top notch Spinal Cord & Traumatic Brain Injury Rehab facility here in Philadelphia. Some people would kill to have a fieldwork experience there. The reality though is, if I end up being pregnant this fall, this facility will not be an ideal place for me to be. It is very intense, fast paced, and physically demanding. Not an ideal situation for what could potentially (hopefully) be my 1st trimester. 

My fieldwork coordinator has presented me with 3 options:

1) Switch fieldwork locations now (and give up an opportunity to be at one of the most highly regarded facilities in the area) in anticipation that I may be pregnant this fall

2) Don't switch now, but take the chance that if I do end up getting pregnant, they may have to move me to a different facility in the middle of my rotation (which puts me at risk for not graduating on time)

3) Push back baby plans another 3 months and complete my rotation at this facility. 

I know in the grand scheme of things, waiting another 3 months is not all that big of a deal. However, it has been an emotional roller coaster and I want to make sure that I make my decision based on the right reasons.

Three Down, Five To Go

Today marks 3 months since the day we found out our little peanut did not have a heartbeat. 3 months since the miscarriage and 5 months to go until we can start trying again.

I would say that time has gone by quickly, but then again, isn't that what we always say in hindsight? In the past 3 months I've busied myself with work and school, have signed up for a 1/2 marathon in April and a 10 mile race in May, and have spent some time starting this blog. In those same 3 months I have also experienced the announcements of new pregnancies for 3 of my friends, the birth of a baby girl for another friend, and have learned of many other friends who are "trying" now and will most likely end up being pregnant before Eric and I can even start trying again. As much as what happened to me (us) sucks and my heart sinks a little when I hear this type of news, I am no less happy for my friends in their starting of a family.

Five months seems like an eternity, but I know you'll hear me saying "wow, time flew by" when the end of summer arrives. In order to break up what seems to be a long five months ahead, I need to have things to look forward to and mark on the calendar. The first of these things occur on May 14th. This may sound weird, but May 14th is my septum resection surgery, and I am strangely excited for it. Maybe that is because it marks a milestone in the process of being able to "try" again? I can bet though that this "excitement" will turn into anxiety as that day approaches. Other, and probably more exciting, things on the calendar in the next 5 months include; end of Spring Semester, end of Summer Semester (which concludes the classroom portion of my Masters degree!), 3 bridal showers, 3 bachelorette parties, 3 weddings, various 30th birthday celebrations for friends and hopefully a vacation squeezed in there at some point.

Now that I have put down on paper cyberspace all that I have going on in the next 5 months, there is no way that time will slowly creep by. I may blink and it'll be end of summer before I know it!