Ouch

So I never really had a chance to fill you all in on the wonderful, I mean pretty awful, process of the getting the hysteroscopy done.

On Thursday Jan. 10th, I went to my RE to have the hysteroscopy done to just "look around," or so I thought. When Dr. G came in to start the procedure, I asked when I would need to schedule the follow up surgery to remove the septum if that is in fact when he found from the scope. Much to my surprise he said "well, if I see it in there today I'm just going to remove it." *Enter Panic**

I wasn't quite expecting that response, nor was I really ready for this "small surgery." In hindsight, I guess it wasn't all that bad though it was far from comfortable. Since I was awake for the procedure, I was able to watch everything on a television screen. I must say that it was pretty neat to be able to see inside my uterus! Dr. G confirmed that I did have a septum and he began to try cutting it out. Ouch!!! It wasn't like "OMG!" pain, but just some extremely heavy cramping and bleeding that would last for a few days.

As the procedure came to an end, Dr. G gave the news that he wasn't able to fully cut the septum out and will need to take me to the OR (under anesthesia) to remove the rest of the septum. The good news is that once I have the surgery, we can TTC (try to conceive) again 1-2 months later.

I keep reminding myself that I am in the best of hands with this doctor and we WILL have a successful pregnancy down the road. In the meantime, I am trying to keep myself busy by focusing on work, school, training for a few races, and maybe planning a vacation or two. I've joined a wonderful group of other "loss mommas"on an online forum and have had such wonderful support (and often some laughs!) from them. When I feel crazy in my thoughts, I know I can turn to these ladies who will just get it because they have walked down this same path.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that my heart aches each time that I find out someone else is pregnant. It is a feeling that unless you have been through a miscarriage, you cannot understand. There are times when even I don't even understand why I feel this way. It is not that I am not genuinely happy for my friends, but that it is a reminder of what I did have for a few fleeting weeks but don't have anymore.  It is almost as if I was part of a club that I was then kicked out of. I will not let the heartache stop me from being happy for my friends or wanting to hear about their milestones because they deserve the blissful, naive happiness that a first time momma feels.

It is 2 months later and the "should have beens" are still in full effect. I should have been 18 weeks today, I should have been finding out the sex of my baby now, and I should have been bringing home a beautiful baby on July 3rd. But I'm not and I just have to believe that there is a greater plan out there for us.

Another Statistic

So by now you may have realized that I am very numbers and list oriented. I like organization and explanations, to a fault. Statistics, in my weird mind, somehow help me understand and cope.

3-5%. This is the incidence in uterine malformations in the general (obviously female) population. Yet another low statistic that I am now a part of.

I don't write this for pity. I write this because, again, it somehow helps me cope and put things in perspective. I know that there are far more serious and morbid conditions that women have in regards to the reproductive system. 

Yesterday I met with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), after being referred by my regular OBGYN. During my D&E surgery, the OBGYN noted a "suspicion of a heart shaped uterus or a possible small midline septum in the uterus, which should be followed up on." Either of these conditions (which are uterine malformations) could be an explanation for my miscarriage. If an embryo implants on the septum (which is not supposed to be there in correct anatomy) instead of the walls of the uterus, it is not able to receive enough blood flow and will stop developing early in pregnancy. After doing a special ultrasound, the RE believes that this (a septum) is what most likely happened in my case. We are hoping for a septum rather than the heart shaped (bicornuate) uterus, because there is at least options for how to handle a septum whereas a heart shaped uterus cannot be fixed, only monitored.

I am scheduled to go back in next Thursday for a procedure called a hysteroscopy (What is a hysteroscopy? ) so that the RE can confirm that I have a septum. Assuming this is confirmed, he suggests following up with a surgery to remove it so that my chance of recurrent pregnancy loss is decreased. 

If there is any silver lining in all of this, it is that I was able to find out about this septum early on in the process of starting a family. If I had a natural miscarriage instead of a missed miscarriage, I would have never had a D&E and the doctor would have never known about the Septate Uterus. Without knowing it was there, I could have gone on to get pregnant again and have yet another miscarriage. Statistics show that over 50% of women with a Septate Uterus have recurring miscarriages.

There is no way to prevent another miscarriage happening from other natural causes, but I will say I am a bit relieved that we may be on the right path to getting some answers.

2 Sided Healing Process

In my original post, I discussed my miscarriage from a medical and physical standpoint. I was fortunate after my D&E to have very little pain and was able to get back to normal activities within a few days. I had looked forward to being able to get back to running, as that proved to be a great outlet for my healing process.

The emotional side of the healing process is a totally different ballgame. Pregnancy hormones remain in your body for a few weeks after the mm/c and D&E, so needless to say I was, and still am, on a complete roller coaster. Ever hear how women can seem "crazy" while they are pregnant? Well, I pretty much fit that stereotype in the weeks after my mm/c. The pregnancy hormones were dropping quickly, coupled with just the general sadness and aftermath of my loss. Finding out you are miscarrying is like being on top of the world, looking forward to this new future ahead, only to have it taken from you in a matter of minutes.

Eric and I had been so excited for our new arrival expected on July 3, 2013. While we only had 9 short weeks to enjoy the idea of becoming parents soon, we had started to really envision our future. We started thinking of what projects needed to be done in our home in preparation for a nursery, we started researching day care options, started thinking of names and we even planned a "baby-moon" to Miami (which we actually just went on this week)! So if you can imagine all of that initial excitement that was going on came to a quick stop on November 26th, you can now see how a miscarriage can take such an emotional toll on a person.

Once we were through the process of the D&E, we shared the news with our close friends and family. The support we received was tremendous at first. During that first week after our loss, we were comforted by kind words and flowers from those that we had told.

In the coming days and weeks, we continued to share the news of our loss with others that we consider to be friends. Even though we shared the news and had support, it still felt like a lonely process. I was saddened and frustrated by the initial concern that some people showed, but lack of concern (or at least that is how it appeared to me) moving forward. It's as if people thought that loss is a one day thing; you lose the baby one day, but then you are back to your normal life the next. Now of course the practical side of me knows that people meant no harm by never following up to see how I (or Eric) was doing, but it was a lonely feeling. I understand that if a person has never experienced a miscarriage, they do not understand that depth of the emotional toll it can take on you. It is a true loss.

It is now 5 weeks since my mm/c and D&E and I feel that I make a step closer to a better place with each day that passes. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how I "should have" been in my 2nd trimester now, or how I should be looking at my belly that is growing each day. I miss being pregnant, though I am hopeful that our time will come again.