When you ask why there aren't answers for our losses and if we have tried "X,Y & Z" yet, what I hear is "Why aren't you asking the right questions and wanting to get results." Unless you are a medical professional (or someone who has gone through multiple losses), we really don't want to be asked those question. We understand that when you ask, it comes from a place of wanting to be helpful, but what it does to us is hurt more than help.
Trust me when I say we've asked every question out there and have explored almost every avenue possible. I've had so many blood tests that there are days when I am surprised that I even have any blood left. 12 vials of blood in one sitting has become no big deal for me anymore. That should say a lot coming from a girl who just 2 years ago couldn't even walk into a lab for bloodwork without passing out, let alone have one tube taken without going into an absolute panic.
On top of the bloodwork comes the intravaginal probes, the MRIs, ultrasounds, and hysteroscopies. When I say we've researched and tried to uncover it all, we really believe we have left no stone unturned. What this has left us with is thousands of dollars of bills, yet no baby so far.
So when you have the urge to ask if we have tried this therapy that your cousin's neighbor's friend tried who had been dealing with fertility issues, please take a deep breath and hold off on asking. Please trust that we are working with some of the best Fertility Specialists out there and we have done our research.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
3rd time wasn't the charm
The title says it all. We faced another loss.
After a 56 day cycle, followed by a 52 day cycle, my body decided to do something right and ovulate at a somewhat reasonable point in my cycle. About a week after my grad school graduation, I received the best graduation present- We Were Pregnant Again!!!
All of my initial bloodwork looked good and our first ultrasound was scheduled for 6weeks5days. There is nothing like the feeling of walking into an ultrasound appointment after suffering through previous losses. As you near the exam room and hop up on to the table you feel a sense of dread overcome you. All you can relate to in that room is bad news. You've been told you're measuring behind, you've been told a heartbeat can't be found, and you've been told a heartbeat stopped. None of these are things that you ever want to hear. Walking into that room with a sense of excitement and naivety is something of the past for me. I almost feel robbed of that experience.
Hearing the words "5weeks5days" was all I needed to hear to know what we were facing. I had been monitored during this cycle and we knew exactly when I ovulated. Measuring a whole week behind, with only a flicker of a heartbeat, wasn't what we wanted to hear. We were sent home for a week of limbo before returning for another ultrasound.
The next ultrasound revealed growth equating to 6weeks2days, so not even a full week's growth in 7 days. There was a heartbeat, but a very slow rate of 60BPM. We had done our research and knew that anything less than 120 wasn't a good sign. Again, we were sent home in limbo. This time the doctor admitted that things didn't look good and most likely this was going to end in loss.
Our July 2nd ultrasound confirmed the inevitable. Our baby's heart stopped beating sometime during the past week. A D&E was performed on July 3rd and we are awaiting results from chromosomal testing on the fetal tissue to see if that can give any answers.
You ask how we are doing? The truth- not good right now. I am sad, angry, lonely, frustrated, and somewhat deflated. I often feel that people are assuming that because this is our 3rd loss, it is a little easier because we are used to it having gone through it before. That is so far from the truth. We are devastated. This consumes our life and our conversations. Eric has been my rock, but I often wonder how much more he can take listening to me and how much more disappointment he can handle. This is more than just having trouble getting pregnant. This is 3 times of finding out we are going to become parents, only to have that dream taken away. It is countless appointments, disappointments, piles of bills, strains on relationships and friendships, only to still walk away empty handed. It feels like we've been in a 2 year holding pattern, while watching everyone else take off to the new parts of their lives.
While it downright sucks, I know we'll get through it. I am thankful that I am able to put things in perspective, knowing that there are much greater tragedies and hardships in life.
After a 56 day cycle, followed by a 52 day cycle, my body decided to do something right and ovulate at a somewhat reasonable point in my cycle. About a week after my grad school graduation, I received the best graduation present- We Were Pregnant Again!!!
All of my initial bloodwork looked good and our first ultrasound was scheduled for 6weeks5days. There is nothing like the feeling of walking into an ultrasound appointment after suffering through previous losses. As you near the exam room and hop up on to the table you feel a sense of dread overcome you. All you can relate to in that room is bad news. You've been told you're measuring behind, you've been told a heartbeat can't be found, and you've been told a heartbeat stopped. None of these are things that you ever want to hear. Walking into that room with a sense of excitement and naivety is something of the past for me. I almost feel robbed of that experience.
Hearing the words "5weeks5days" was all I needed to hear to know what we were facing. I had been monitored during this cycle and we knew exactly when I ovulated. Measuring a whole week behind, with only a flicker of a heartbeat, wasn't what we wanted to hear. We were sent home for a week of limbo before returning for another ultrasound.
The next ultrasound revealed growth equating to 6weeks2days, so not even a full week's growth in 7 days. There was a heartbeat, but a very slow rate of 60BPM. We had done our research and knew that anything less than 120 wasn't a good sign. Again, we were sent home in limbo. This time the doctor admitted that things didn't look good and most likely this was going to end in loss.
Our July 2nd ultrasound confirmed the inevitable. Our baby's heart stopped beating sometime during the past week. A D&E was performed on July 3rd and we are awaiting results from chromosomal testing on the fetal tissue to see if that can give any answers.
You ask how we are doing? The truth- not good right now. I am sad, angry, lonely, frustrated, and somewhat deflated. I often feel that people are assuming that because this is our 3rd loss, it is a little easier because we are used to it having gone through it before. That is so far from the truth. We are devastated. This consumes our life and our conversations. Eric has been my rock, but I often wonder how much more he can take listening to me and how much more disappointment he can handle. This is more than just having trouble getting pregnant. This is 3 times of finding out we are going to become parents, only to have that dream taken away. It is countless appointments, disappointments, piles of bills, strains on relationships and friendships, only to still walk away empty handed. It feels like we've been in a 2 year holding pattern, while watching everyone else take off to the new parts of their lives.
While it downright sucks, I know we'll get through it. I am thankful that I am able to put things in perspective, knowing that there are much greater tragedies and hardships in life.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
The Results
.....normal female karyotype
We got the results back yesterday from our chromosomal tissue testing done during the D&C. The results show normal female karyotype, meaning none of the typical chromosomal abnormalities causing a miscarriage were found.
Since that didn't bring us many answers, we hope that our appointment with our Reproductive Endocrinologist tomorrow can point us in the right direction.
We got the results back yesterday from our chromosomal tissue testing done during the D&C. The results show normal female karyotype, meaning none of the typical chromosomal abnormalities causing a miscarriage were found.
Since that didn't bring us many answers, we hope that our appointment with our Reproductive Endocrinologist tomorrow can point us in the right direction.
When you least expect it
(Originally drafted Feb 6, 2014)
I have been doing pretty well, all things considered. Each day gets a little bit easier but the setbacks come and go. I've been cooped up in the house now basically all week since our school has been closed due to ice, snow, and now power outages. In an attempt to keep myself occupied, I took a trip to the mall to make a few returns.
I should've known better; Where do moms and kids go when they have been cooped up inside? THE MALL. As I walked through the entrance into the mall, there staring right at me was the PLAY AREA, filled with dozens of young mothers with their laughing, giggling, adorable children. It isn't the babies and children that made me sad, but rather seeing all of the moms. Yes, some looked stressed and others seemed exhausted as they were chasing their kids around, but all of them reminded me of what I am not right now- a mom. Yes, theoretically I am a mother to 2 babies that just never stuck around long enough to meet the world. Unfortunately though that doesn't give me much comfort when facing a playground full of mothers and babies.
These reminders are ever present. Whether it be dinner out with friends who have a baby or opening up Facebook only to see yet another "I'm expecting" announcement, I have to face the fact that I am just at that point in life when my peers are all having babies. Some days are a struggle and there are others in which I just cruise on by.
I have been doing pretty well, all things considered. Each day gets a little bit easier but the setbacks come and go. I've been cooped up in the house now basically all week since our school has been closed due to ice, snow, and now power outages. In an attempt to keep myself occupied, I took a trip to the mall to make a few returns.
I should've known better; Where do moms and kids go when they have been cooped up inside? THE MALL. As I walked through the entrance into the mall, there staring right at me was the PLAY AREA, filled with dozens of young mothers with their laughing, giggling, adorable children. It isn't the babies and children that made me sad, but rather seeing all of the moms. Yes, some looked stressed and others seemed exhausted as they were chasing their kids around, but all of them reminded me of what I am not right now- a mom. Yes, theoretically I am a mother to 2 babies that just never stuck around long enough to meet the world. Unfortunately though that doesn't give me much comfort when facing a playground full of mothers and babies.
These reminders are ever present. Whether it be dinner out with friends who have a baby or opening up Facebook only to see yet another "I'm expecting" announcement, I have to face the fact that I am just at that point in life when my peers are all having babies. Some days are a struggle and there are others in which I just cruise on by.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Back in the "club"
This is certainly not any club that I hoped, wished, or asked to be in. It is the multiple pregnancy loss club. We have gone through yet another miscarriage and have been granted entry.
Back in August I wrote about being worried regarding being able to get pregnant again easily. Well, that worry was short lived because after just 2 cycles of trying to get pregnant, we saw 2 wonderful lines on a pregnancy test on December 20th. My RE had me go through betas (blood draws every other day for a week to watch the rising of pregnancy hormones called hcg) and everything was looking wonderful. Hcg started at 98....then 352...then 1712! We couldn't have been more excited.
Just prior to making it to 6weeks of being pregnant, I had some minor spotting and bleeding which warranted a phone call to my OB. They were not too concerned, however brought me in for an ultrasound on January 6th, which should have been my 6 week mark. They measured me at 5w5d and were able to see a gestational sac and possibly the start of a fetal pole, however no heartbeat. The OB was not all that concerned and remained cautiously optimistic. I was scheduled to return a week later to make sure things were progressing. During this follow up ultrasound, I was only measuring 6w2d and no heartbeat was detected. The OB scheduled me for a more conclusive ultrasound 3 days later at the Perinatal testing center. Our biggest fears were confirmed, we had lost this pregnancy.
On Friday January 17th I had my D&C. The OB sent the tissue from the baby to be tested for chromosomal issues. They say that best case scenario would be that there was in fact a chromosomal issue to explain this loss. I will also be following up with my RE at the end of February regarding Recurrent Pregnancy Loss testing on me.
We are crushed but remain hopeful that there are brighter days ahead.
Back in August I wrote about being worried regarding being able to get pregnant again easily. Well, that worry was short lived because after just 2 cycles of trying to get pregnant, we saw 2 wonderful lines on a pregnancy test on December 20th. My RE had me go through betas (blood draws every other day for a week to watch the rising of pregnancy hormones called hcg) and everything was looking wonderful. Hcg started at 98....then 352...then 1712! We couldn't have been more excited.
Just prior to making it to 6weeks of being pregnant, I had some minor spotting and bleeding which warranted a phone call to my OB. They were not too concerned, however brought me in for an ultrasound on January 6th, which should have been my 6 week mark. They measured me at 5w5d and were able to see a gestational sac and possibly the start of a fetal pole, however no heartbeat. The OB was not all that concerned and remained cautiously optimistic. I was scheduled to return a week later to make sure things were progressing. During this follow up ultrasound, I was only measuring 6w2d and no heartbeat was detected. The OB scheduled me for a more conclusive ultrasound 3 days later at the Perinatal testing center. Our biggest fears were confirmed, we had lost this pregnancy.
On Friday January 17th I had my D&C. The OB sent the tissue from the baby to be tested for chromosomal issues. They say that best case scenario would be that there was in fact a chromosomal issue to explain this loss. I will also be following up with my RE at the end of February regarding Recurrent Pregnancy Loss testing on me.
We are crushed but remain hopeful that there are brighter days ahead.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
My uterus is beautiful
Those were the words I heard today. "Beautiful, looks amazing" the doctor said as he and the resident/fellow were performing my saline sonogram today. He was referring to that fact that my uterus is all healed up properly and everything has been removed from my septum resection surgery back in June. We are now FINALLY given the "ok" to try to get pregnant after 9 long months of getting diagnostic procedures, an in office surgery, a canceled surgery, a complete septum resection under general anesthesia, multiple blood draws, and a handful of hormone prescriptions with lovely side effects.
There was a small piece of news, though, that wasn't all that positive. During this sonogram, they were also able to visualize my ovaries, both of which are presenting with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). This is a diagnosis that I had been given many years back and figured that getting pregnant wouldn't be too easy. When I got pregnant this past fall after just one cycle of trying, I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. The doctor explained that I could have had a "spontaneous ovulation" that cycle but it doesn't mean that my cycles will necessarily go back to being normal. If we try for a few months with no success, then Clomid will be prescribed to help me ovulate. We'll cross that bridge in and when it comes.
I'm just so excited that this uterine septum is a thing of the past!!!! Thank you to all who sent well wishes, positive vibes, and prayers along the way over the past few months as this was being taken care of. Now the positive vibes and well wishes can go toward being able to get pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term!
There was a small piece of news, though, that wasn't all that positive. During this sonogram, they were also able to visualize my ovaries, both of which are presenting with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). This is a diagnosis that I had been given many years back and figured that getting pregnant wouldn't be too easy. When I got pregnant this past fall after just one cycle of trying, I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. The doctor explained that I could have had a "spontaneous ovulation" that cycle but it doesn't mean that my cycles will necessarily go back to being normal. If we try for a few months with no success, then Clomid will be prescribed to help me ovulate. We'll cross that bridge in and when it comes.
I'm just so excited that this uterine septum is a thing of the past!!!! Thank you to all who sent well wishes, positive vibes, and prayers along the way over the past few months as this was being taken care of. Now the positive vibes and well wishes can go toward being able to get pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term!
Friday, August 23, 2013
Loss is a lonely place
Almost 10 months have gone by and not a single day passes that I do not think about my miscarriage. Time heals, as they say, but the memory will never be forgotten. As life events have it, they make ever lasting marks on who you are and who you become.
This past weekend I had the pleasure of celebrating with two of my friends as they had their baby showers. When I say "celebrated," I mean that in the most honest sense, not inserting sarcasm. I was anxious about spending a weekend going to baby showers, only to be surrounded by 6 pregnant friends and lots of baby talk. Leading up to the weekend I was hesitant about what state of mind I would end up in afterwards. Much to my surprise, I enjoyed each of the showers and can honestly say that I was happy to be there. Yes, there were moments where my eyes filled with tears, but I changed my attitude and thought process to recognize that I was there to celebrate the joy that is arriving for my friends, not the loss that I had.
Once I was able to step back from these showers, I realized how lonely loss can really be. No one really understands unless they have been through it. The "could've, should've, would've" thoughts go through your mind, as people innocently ask you when you want to have children or if you are trying (something that obviously comes up at a baby shower). They mean no harm when they ask, but I often feel compelled to let them know that we have tried, but it ended in a loss. I say it not to make them uncomfortable, but rather to make myself less uncomfortable and lonely in my loss.
There is a part of me that feels silly still talking about my loss almost 10 months since it happened. I am "over it" in the sense of the intense sadness or heartache, but there will always be a little place in my heart for what could've been. In all honesty I think I talk about the loss and still keep it at the forefront of my mind because of the fear I have that getting pregnant again will not be that easy. My hormone levels are not quite cooperating, I haven't been ovulating, and I've needed to take progesterone to get my period. None of that makes me too confident that getting pregnant again will be as simple as it was before. Maybe the pregnancy I had was the only one I'll ever have? I hope and pray that isn't the case, but in a small chance that it is, well then that is why it'll always have a little place in my heart.
This past weekend I had the pleasure of celebrating with two of my friends as they had their baby showers. When I say "celebrated," I mean that in the most honest sense, not inserting sarcasm. I was anxious about spending a weekend going to baby showers, only to be surrounded by 6 pregnant friends and lots of baby talk. Leading up to the weekend I was hesitant about what state of mind I would end up in afterwards. Much to my surprise, I enjoyed each of the showers and can honestly say that I was happy to be there. Yes, there were moments where my eyes filled with tears, but I changed my attitude and thought process to recognize that I was there to celebrate the joy that is arriving for my friends, not the loss that I had.
Once I was able to step back from these showers, I realized how lonely loss can really be. No one really understands unless they have been through it. The "could've, should've, would've" thoughts go through your mind, as people innocently ask you when you want to have children or if you are trying (something that obviously comes up at a baby shower). They mean no harm when they ask, but I often feel compelled to let them know that we have tried, but it ended in a loss. I say it not to make them uncomfortable, but rather to make myself less uncomfortable and lonely in my loss.
There is a part of me that feels silly still talking about my loss almost 10 months since it happened. I am "over it" in the sense of the intense sadness or heartache, but there will always be a little place in my heart for what could've been. In all honesty I think I talk about the loss and still keep it at the forefront of my mind because of the fear I have that getting pregnant again will not be that easy. My hormone levels are not quite cooperating, I haven't been ovulating, and I've needed to take progesterone to get my period. None of that makes me too confident that getting pregnant again will be as simple as it was before. Maybe the pregnancy I had was the only one I'll ever have? I hope and pray that isn't the case, but in a small chance that it is, well then that is why it'll always have a little place in my heart.
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