The title says it all. We faced another loss.
After a 56 day cycle, followed by a 52 day cycle, my body decided to do something right and ovulate at a somewhat reasonable point in my cycle. About a week after my grad school graduation, I received the best graduation present- We Were Pregnant Again!!!
All of my initial bloodwork looked good and our first ultrasound was scheduled for 6weeks5days. There is nothing like the feeling of walking into an ultrasound appointment after suffering through previous losses. As you near the exam room and hop up on to the table you feel a sense of dread overcome you. All you can relate to in that room is bad news. You've been told you're measuring behind, you've been told a heartbeat can't be found, and you've been told a heartbeat stopped. None of these are things that you ever want to hear. Walking into that room with a sense of excitement and naivety is something of the past for me. I almost feel robbed of that experience.
Hearing the words "5weeks5days" was all I needed to hear to know what we were facing. I had been monitored during this cycle and we knew exactly when I ovulated. Measuring a whole week behind, with only a flicker of a heartbeat, wasn't what we wanted to hear. We were sent home for a week of limbo before returning for another ultrasound.
The next ultrasound revealed growth equating to 6weeks2days, so not even a full week's growth in 7 days. There was a heartbeat, but a very slow rate of 60BPM. We had done our research and knew that anything less than 120 wasn't a good sign. Again, we were sent home in limbo. This time the doctor admitted that things didn't look good and most likely this was going to end in loss.
Our July 2nd ultrasound confirmed the inevitable. Our baby's heart stopped beating sometime during the past week. A D&E was performed on July 3rd and we are awaiting results from chromosomal testing on the fetal tissue to see if that can give any answers.
You ask how we are doing? The truth- not good right now. I am sad, angry, lonely, frustrated, and somewhat deflated. I often feel that people are assuming that because this is our 3rd loss, it is a little easier because we are used to it having gone through it before. That is so far from the truth. We are devastated. This consumes our life and our conversations. Eric has been my rock, but I often wonder how much more he can take listening to me and how much more disappointment he can handle. This is more than just having trouble getting pregnant. This is 3 times of finding out we are going to become parents, only to have that dream taken away. It is countless appointments, disappointments, piles of bills, strains on relationships and friendships, only to still walk away empty handed. It feels like we've been in a 2 year holding pattern, while watching everyone else take off to the new parts of their lives.
While it downright sucks, I know we'll get through it. I am thankful that I am able to put things in perspective, knowing that there are much greater tragedies and hardships in life.
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