Loss is a lonely place

Almost 10 months have gone by and not a single day passes that I do not think about my miscarriage. Time heals, as they say, but the memory will never be forgotten. As life events have it, they make ever lasting marks on who you are and who you become.

This past weekend I had the pleasure of celebrating with two of my friends as they had their baby showers. When I say "celebrated," I mean that in the most honest sense, not inserting sarcasm. I was anxious about spending a weekend going to baby showers, only to be surrounded by 6 pregnant friends and lots of baby talk. Leading up to the weekend I was hesitant about what state of mind I would end up in afterwards. Much to my surprise, I enjoyed each of the showers and can honestly say that I was happy to be there. Yes, there were moments where my eyes filled with tears, but I changed my attitude and thought process to recognize that I was there to celebrate the joy that is arriving for my friends, not the loss that I had.

Once I was able to step back from these showers, I realized how lonely loss can really be. No one really understands unless they have been through it. The "could've, should've, would've" thoughts go through your mind, as people innocently ask you when you want to have children or if you are trying (something that obviously comes up at a baby shower). They mean no harm when they ask, but I often feel compelled to let them know that we have tried, but it ended in a loss. I say it not to make them uncomfortable, but rather to make myself less uncomfortable and lonely in my loss.

There is a part of me that feels silly still talking about my loss almost 10 months since it happened. I am "over it" in the sense of the intense sadness or heartache, but there will always be a little place in my heart for what could've been. In all honesty I think I talk about the loss and still keep it at the forefront of my mind because of the fear I have that getting pregnant again will not be that easy. My hormone levels are not quite cooperating, I haven't been ovulating, and I've needed to take progesterone to get my period. None of that makes me too confident that getting pregnant again will be as simple as it was before. Maybe the pregnancy I had was the only one I'll ever have? I hope and pray that isn't the case, but in a small chance that it is, well then that is why it'll always have a little place in my heart.