Ouch

So I never really had a chance to fill you all in on the wonderful, I mean pretty awful, process of the getting the hysteroscopy done.

On Thursday Jan. 10th, I went to my RE to have the hysteroscopy done to just "look around," or so I thought. When Dr. G came in to start the procedure, I asked when I would need to schedule the follow up surgery to remove the septum if that is in fact when he found from the scope. Much to my surprise he said "well, if I see it in there today I'm just going to remove it." *Enter Panic**

I wasn't quite expecting that response, nor was I really ready for this "small surgery." In hindsight, I guess it wasn't all that bad though it was far from comfortable. Since I was awake for the procedure, I was able to watch everything on a television screen. I must say that it was pretty neat to be able to see inside my uterus! Dr. G confirmed that I did have a septum and he began to try cutting it out. Ouch!!! It wasn't like "OMG!" pain, but just some extremely heavy cramping and bleeding that would last for a few days.

As the procedure came to an end, Dr. G gave the news that he wasn't able to fully cut the septum out and will need to take me to the OR (under anesthesia) to remove the rest of the septum. The good news is that once I have the surgery, we can TTC (try to conceive) again 1-2 months later.

I keep reminding myself that I am in the best of hands with this doctor and we WILL have a successful pregnancy down the road. In the meantime, I am trying to keep myself busy by focusing on work, school, training for a few races, and maybe planning a vacation or two. I've joined a wonderful group of other "loss mommas"on an online forum and have had such wonderful support (and often some laughs!) from them. When I feel crazy in my thoughts, I know I can turn to these ladies who will just get it because they have walked down this same path.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that my heart aches each time that I find out someone else is pregnant. It is a feeling that unless you have been through a miscarriage, you cannot understand. There are times when even I don't even understand why I feel this way. It is not that I am not genuinely happy for my friends, but that it is a reminder of what I did have for a few fleeting weeks but don't have anymore.  It is almost as if I was part of a club that I was then kicked out of. I will not let the heartache stop me from being happy for my friends or wanting to hear about their milestones because they deserve the blissful, naive happiness that a first time momma feels.

It is 2 months later and the "should have beens" are still in full effect. I should have been 18 weeks today, I should have been finding out the sex of my baby now, and I should have been bringing home a beautiful baby on July 3rd. But I'm not and I just have to believe that there is a greater plan out there for us.